潘小峰GRE写作系列 论点要有相关理由和证据支持(3).

　　反重力思考之潘小峰GRE写作系列 论点要有相关理由和证据支持(3)：issue题目学生习作点评

　　本文为澳际培训原创潘小峰老师访谈，转载请注明出处和作者，违者必究!

　　现在大家看到官方指南上的样题：

　　“As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

　　Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.”

　　接着，看样题后面给出的例文。我们先跳过6分、5分、4分，直接看3分的习作。下面我从“论点需要根据来支持”的角度来点评。

　　There is no current proof that advancing technology will deteriorate the ability of

　　humans to think. On the contrary, advancements in technology had advanced our

　　knowledge in many fields, opening opportunities for further understanding and

　　achievement. For example, the problem of dibilitating illnesses and diseases such

　　alzheimer’s disease is slowing being solved by the technological advancements in

　　cell research.(作者举例支持自己的理由-- advancements in technology have progressed our

　　knowledge in many fields—话题很宽，可用可选的例子非常多。) The future ability of growing new brain cells and the possibility to reverse the onset of alzheimer’s is now becoming a reality. This shows our initiative as humans

　　to better our health demonstrates greater ability of humans to think. (不足：作者只用了一个非常简短的单一领域[医学中的干细胞研究]的例子，根据单薄，欠缺说服力。)

　　One aspect where the ability of humans may initially be seen as an example of

　　deteriorating minds is the use of internet and cell phones. In the past humans had

　　seek out information in many different enviroments and aspects of life. Now humans

　　can sit in a chair and type anything into a computer and get an answer. Our reliance

　　this type of technology can be detrimental if not regulated and regularily substituted

　　for other information sources such as human interactions and hands on learning.

　　think if humans understand that we should not have such a reliance on computer

　　technology, that we as a species will advance further by utilizing the opportunity

　　computer technology as well as the other sources of information outside of a

　　computer. Supplementing our knowledge with internet access is surely a way for

　　technology to solve problems while continually advancing the human race.

　　(作者的理由似乎是：“supplementing rather than relying on technology is ’surely a way for technology to solve problems while continually advancing the human race.’ ” 除了论点表达不够直接、明确，本段还充满各种宽泛观点，却欠缺例子支持。即使本段首句提到“the use of internet and cell phones”的事实，但作者并没有接着阐明互联网和手机的使用与作者论点的联系。仅仅提到某个事实的存在，并不能充分证明一个论点。比如“互联网存在”这个事实，并不能证明“人的思考能力并没有恶化”;或许互联网简单易用抑制了人的思考能力。作者需要解释，互联网以什么样的方式激发或弱化人的思考能力。)

　　终于把官方指南的3分文章点评分析完了。下面，我们继续看一篇同学的习作。

　　这是题目及要求：

　　“Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their natural state.

　　Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.”

　　看完题目与要求。下面，请大家实际运用我刚才示范的方式来分析点评这个习作。

　　记住，我们这节课的学和用的重点是“论点要用根据来支持”。理由要有例子支撑，否则缺乏说服力。文章里有语法、拼写方面的失误，暂时不用考虑。

　　“Healthy ecosystems and environments are necessary to the survival and flourishing of humans and other orgasms, but some human activities, such as logging and mining, are harmful to the environments and cause them to degrade. As the population increasing and technology development, more and more wilderness areas are destroyed, or developed, by human beings. Now, many people have realized the necessity of protection of wilderness areas. However, there are different kinds of wilderness areas, and the protections to them should depend on the kind and station of the specific wilderness area.

　　For some wilderness areas, the best protection to them may be to keep them in their natural state. The rain forests, which keep most of the species and are necessary for biodiversity, should be kept in their natural state, because the development to these areas, such as logging, usually is destructive. If the ecosystems in these areas are destroyed, they are very difficult, sometime impossible, to recover. Therore, bore we can develop these areas without destroy them at the same time, we should keep their state as natural as possible.

　　On the other hand, for some other kinds of wilderness areas, keep them in their natural state is not enough. In semi-desert areas, without human interferences, the desertification will continue in these areas, and theywill become deserts eventually. Therore, policy that is more active, such as afforestation in semi-desert areas, is needed in these areas.

　　In addition, better ways to develop wilderness areas are needed, special in developing countries or developing areas of a country. People first need to survival, and then they have the will to protect the environments. That is the reason that in developing counties wilderness areas are usually developed crudely, such as by logging or by mining. To protect the wilderness areas in these countries, pass laws to prevent people live there to benit from these areas is fruitless. A better way, such as tourism, which can balance the environmental protection and the economic interests, is needed. As the advancing of technology, such as the development of transportation technology, these constructive ways will become more accessible and new ones will rise.

　　To sum up, there are different kinds of wilderness areas, which exist in different stations, so that the protection to these areas should also be different, and depend on the kind and station of the area; only to pass laws by the nation to keep them in their natural state would not work.”

　　同学们，你们有20分钟时间来完成这个分析运用的课堂练习。