berkeley的ps写作指导站点

发信人: sir ( 郎 ), 信区: GoAbroad [b]标 题: berkeley的ps写作指导站点 [b]发信站: 日月光华站 (Fri Aug 24 14:27:30 2001) , 站内信件 [b][b]Note: The information and advice in this flyer is offered by the [b]Berkeley campus and addresses what we look for in a personal [b]statement. Other UC campuses to which you send your application may [b]review your personal statement differently. [b][b]for important: it seems that it is desired for undergraduate student. [b]url: [b][b]I chose some insteresting pages from it: [b][b]Here are some sample introductory paragraphs. You're the judge--which [b]one is strongest? [b][b][b][b][b]1. On September 16, 1990 I experienced the worst feeling of my life [b]the feeling of incompetence. It was a feeling of indescribable [b]disbeli. My mother, my only parent, fell down the stairs of our [b]home. It was then that I knew that I had to become a doctor to help [b]people who were suffering like my mother. By attending your college, I [b]will be able to fulfill my dream and to give back to my community [b]through medicine [b][b]comments: [b]Although this writer attempts to be specific in his introduction [b]through the use of the date ("September 16, 1990"), overall this [b]introduction is vague and bloated with words that don't convey an [b]image. The writer says that he felt "indescribable disbeli" when his [b]mother fell down the sense, but we don't know what "indescribable [b]disbeli" actually means: was he stunned into inaction? did he [b]scream? Without the details, the writer's attempt to hook the reader [b]fails. The opener also contains errors in punctuation ("On September [b]16, 1990 I experienced the worst feeling of my life the feeling of [b]incompetence.") and uses the same word ("feeling") too many times. [b][b]2.My father divorced us when I was in seventh grade. At that time, I was [b]going through what my mother called my "difficult stage" because my [b][b][b]world revolved around school, friends and boys, and "family" was often [b]put on the back burner. I was unprepared for the resulting family [b]crisis; my father, the man who nurtured my passion for art, literature [b]and my love of languages, would no longer be a part of my life. At the [b]time, I thought that I could not go on. Now I realize that my father's [b]rejection, while extremely painful, gave me a resiliency and strength [b]of character that I did not previously know I possessed. [b][b]comments: [b]This opener is quite strong. The writer's description of her father's [b]action as a "divorce" is very vivid, and much more descriptive than if [b]she had written that he "lt" her. The writer also exudes a quiet [b]confidence; she shows us she is smart by describing how her father [b]helped instill her passion for "art, literature and...languages." We [b]also know that she is by no means a perfect person; her honesty in [b]describing her own failure to give her family a priority in her life [b]is poignant, and the reader wants to learn more about her, how she [b]resolved her crisis, and what she has learned from it. [b][b]3.It was once said that "We have nothing to fear but fear itself," and [b]that is a motto that I have lived by for all of my seventeen years on [b]this earth. It is a motto that I have based all of my academic [b][b][b]endeavors on. It literally came into fect one Wednesday morning [b]earlier this year. I got called into the House One Principal's office [b]at our school. I walked towards the office a little pondered. I had [b]never been called into that office bore, because that principal only [b]handled the math and science departments of the entire school. I [b]doubted that the principal even knew me. When I entered the office I [b]was greeted by a group of familiar faces that I knew from my physics [b]class. Our principal told us to have a seat and relax. The reason that [b]we were called in was that there was going to be a Science Competition [b]happening that Saturday and the school really wanted us to enter into [b]it. The principal said that she knew it was short notice, but based on [b]our performances in all our science classes she knew that we could [b]pull it off. She stated that we were some of the only high school [b]juniors and seniors who had completed and gone beyond the required [b]science courses. (I personally had already taken a semester of both [b]Physics and Physiology that year, and two of the other girls that were [b]in there with me had already completed AP Biology.) [b][b]comments: [b]This writer is going to describe her greatest accomplishment, but she [b]takes much too long to make her point. The opening sentence relies on [b]a clich?nbsp;("We have nothing to fear but fear itself") to make its [b][b][b]addition, some of the writer's word choices are inappropriate ("I [b]walked towards the office a little pondered"--"confused" or "worried" [b]would have been more appropriate) and indicate a tendency to rely on [b]big words when simpler ones will do. The writer is also a bit wordy [b]("all of my seventeen years on this earth;" "It literally came into [b]fect"). The introduction also contains irrelevant information ("that [b]principal only handled the math and science departments of the entire [b]school.") and does not provide the reader with a sense that the writer [b]has rlected on her experience and extracted its larger meaning. We [b]are not quite sure, for example, how the statement about fear connects [b]to the rest of the paragraph or what the main idea or thesis is.立即咨询