SAT作文修改实例(三).

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Both Sides of an Issue

Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.”

- Walter Cronkite

Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that it’s necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations）.

习作修改

学生习作（第一段）	语言修改
People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.	Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

本段评点

许多学生过多地使用了therore和thus. 这样的词是用来得出结论的。“很多人只看有利的一面而忽视不利的一面”这句话中用“而”或者“并且”连接两个分句，而不可以使用 therore, thus, as a result 等表达。这样导致问题这两个方面的逻辑关系混乱，其实并不是因为人们只看有利面而导致忽视不利一面这个结果。

学生习作（第二段）

语言修改

My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.

My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved[1] to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car.[2] We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.[3]. So we did, half a year ago.

本段评点

文章这个例子的叙述过于细节化，显得有些琐碎，这也导致这个例子用了三段来叙述，占了大量的篇幅和写作时间，使得作者可能无法再写个例子。另外，这段中的句式也缺少变化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一个谓语这样的结构。

学生习作（第三段）	语言修改
Bore we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing[4], the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.	Bore we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face[5]. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of[6] less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

本段评点

这段第一句提到在我们做决定之前确实调查了搬迁后可能面临的困难，这与第一段的论点出现了一些抵触。第一段说作者是想用自己亲身的这个例子说明做决定不应该忽视消极的一面，而这里作者又说并未忽视呀！这使得这个例子不那么有说服力了。

学生习作（第四段）	语言修改
However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.	However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster.[7] In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough.[8] The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.

本段评点

这个简单的故事其实用一段话就全部写完了，不用分成三段。它作为一篇文章中几个例子中的一个是可以的，但是如果作为唯一的例子，难以全面深刻地探讨作文的题目。从而导致读者感觉文章的论证不充分，那么论点也就不堪一击了。

其次，这段作者说从农村搬到城市后觉得城市disaster的原因是空气污染和晚上睡不好觉。把空气污染作为理由是可以接受的，但说城市喧嚣每天晚上睡不好觉也有点牵强，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜总会，否则应该没那么严重。

学生习作（第五段）	语言修改
Every coin has two sides. We only noticed the positive side but lost the negative side, so we did not conclude the truth. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. Now we are considering to moving back to the rural area, but this time, we will make a complete study bore we carry it out.	We only focused on the positive side and not the negative so our conclusion was not accurate.[9] The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. We are now considering to move back to the village but this time we will do a thorough investigation bore making our decision.[10]

本段评点

与前面的习作一样，最后一段简单重复第一段的意思，甚至do a thorough investigation 这样的用词也是从第一段照抄到最后一段，这样写结尾段的方法是绝对应该避免的。

习作总评

全文只用一个故事来支持自己的观点，故事讲的是自己家里住在农村，要到城市里去上学，每天很辛苦，大量的时间都浪费在了路上，于是考虑搬到城市里去住，因为考虑不周，后来发现住在城市里更不划算，原因是城市污染严重，每天吸入大量的汽车尾气，而且城市太喧嚣，晚上睡不好，最后得出结论，做任何事情都要从两方面来考虑问题。这个故事当然也支持了作者的观点，但是有点牵强。首先故事讲得并不精彩，缺少亮点，不能吸引人们的注意力。总之，这个故事有点牵强。

其实的确像文中所讲，任何事情都有两面，无论住在农村还是住在城市都有各自的优、缺点。比如说住在城市除了空气污染之外，还有物价高，租房贵，不安全，太拥挤等很多缺点，作者写什么理由都可以，文中把城市喧嚣晚上睡不好觉作为理由也勉强说得过去，但是能说一个更合理的理由效果会更好。

这篇文章在论证方面需要改进，首先应该至少再举出一个能够说明自己论点的例子，甚至于把这个例子也换掉。这也说明作者在平时复习的时候没有注意积累能够说明问题的例子。另外，在行文上应该避免平铺直叙，像记流水账一样。

――选自《手把手教你SAT作文》

[1] 这里应该用moved表示作者父母工作地点和他自己学习地点的变化，所以引发了新问题。Move有搬迁的意思，而went不能体现这种意思。

[2] 改后句子用了a long distance to travel…with…spent把原来的两个句子合并成了一个句子，这样使得句子更简洁而且意思明确。在句子中不一定非要用复合句，可以考虑用介词和动词的非谓语形式代替。

[3] 这两句话有明显的因果关系应该用so而不是and连接。另外，这句话的前半句用situation做主语比用we做主语更像是地道的英语，因为中国的英语学习者总是习惯用人做主语，而英语并不总是这样，有时应该换个角度去用事物做主语。

[4] Optimist是名词指人，这里应该用个形容词optimistic.另外，这句中的one thing意思太宽泛、不准确，应选用一个意思更加精准的词obstacle.

[5] 这里用may更合适，表示可能遇到的困难，或遇到困难的可能性，因为此时作者及其家人并不知道会遇到什么困难。

[6] In terms of sth.表示从这个方面或角度来说某件事情，例如，In terms of entertainment, movies are still more interesting than TV. But in terms of value, DVDs are more economical than going to the cinema.

[7] Prove这个词本身就有“证实是，被证明是”的意思，不必非用被动语态。

[8] 汽车尾气的地道说法是gas exhaust，英文没有tail gas的说法。

[9] Notice的意思是通过视、听等感官对某事有所理会，用在这里是不合适的。Focus on是指对某事进行特别的关注。另外，这句话的后半句如前所述还是没有必要用人做主语，用conclusion做主语更地道。

[10] Study表示“研究的”意味更浓一些，用investigation表达进行深入的“思考或考察”更合适。

SAT作文修改实例(三)SAT作文修改实例(三)

Both Sides of an Issue

Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.”

- Walter Cronkite

习作修改

学生习作（第一段）	语言修改
People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.	Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

本段评点

学生习作（第二段）

语言修改

本段评点

学生习作（第三段）	语言修改
Bore we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing[4], the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.	Bore we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face[5]. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of[6] less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

本段评点

学生习作（第四段）	语言修改
However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.	However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster.[7] In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough.[8] The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.