专家指点：一篇SAT作文修改与评点.

　　SAT作文是SAT考试的一个重要组成部分，也是最为关键和最难的部分，它直接考查了学生对语言的运用能力。SAT作文的关键是运用大量的例证说明问题，而好的开头和结尾同样会为你挣得更高的分数。下面我们来看一篇学生的习作，老师对他的每一段多做了修改和点评，提出了很多宝贵的意见，大家可以参考一下。

　　Truth is not objective

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

　　Akira Kurosawa’s film masterpiece Rashomon portrays several people who have witnessed a death. As each observer recounts the event as he or she witnessed it, we come to realize that each person’s story varies greatly from every other account. Watching the movie, we rlect that the truth of an experience—and perhaps all truth—is different for each person.

　　Assignment: What is your opinion of the claim that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

　　习作修改

　　学生习作(第一段)

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. However, is it possible that what we take in by eyes or ears[1], in another word, what we regard as ‘truth’, are not objective?

　　语言修改

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. Is it possible that what we see and hear, or what we regard as the ‘truth’, is not objective?

　　本段评点

　　这个开头避免了许多习作简单重复题目的缺点。而且举出了法庭审讯这个场景，然后提出了一个问题，这两个手段都能激发读者阅读的兴趣，而且显得与众不同。

　　学生习作(第二段)

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff took his departure after his eavesdropping Cathy’s dialogue with another woman. He heard part of the dialogue, in which Cathy appeared to be so vain that she regarded marriage with Heathcliff as adjective. From Heathcliff’s angle, we truly recount the event as he did and feel sorry for him from bottom of our hearts. But look at the other side of the story: Cathy was expressing her love for him, despite their difference in social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we know that things differs from various vision angle.

　　语言修改

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff lt after he heard Cathy speaking with another woman about her disdain toward marrying him.[2] From Heathcliff’s point of view, we truly feel sorry for him.

　　But from the other side of the coin, Cathy was actually expressing her love for him despite their different social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we can see that not everyone views things the same.[3]

　　本段评点

　　这个例子与第一段要说明的问题稍稍有些偏差。作者要证明的论点是人们所见所闻的事实可能是客观的吗，而这个例子得出的结论是不同的角度看待问题得出的结果会是不一样的。改后稿把最后一句改成从这个例子可以看出每个人对以同样的眼光来看待事情，这样说和论点贴得更近一些。

　　学生习作(第三段)

　　Another story about a stealth took place in ancient China. A man losing his ax, considering his neighbor as the thi, but he had no proof. Meeting[4] his neighbor the next morning in town, he observed him carully and thoroughly, and every detail he caught strengthen his confidence in his suspicion. Yet a week later, the ax was found accidentally brought out by his son. He then go and see the neighbor, and all he saw was a common[5] innocent individual with neither trace nor tendency to stealth[6]. Due to various points of view, he found what he saw varies. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therore, each individual decides truth.

　　语言修改

　　Anther example is about a tht that took place in ancient China. A man, who lost his ax, believed his neighbor took it although he had no proof.[7] When he met his neighbor in town the next morning, he observed him carully and what he saw strengthened his suspicion. A week later, the ax was found by the owner’s son. He then went to see his neighbor and all he saw was an innocent person with no trace of stealth. He realized his unfounded suspicion had deceived his own eyes. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therore, truth is often not objective.

　　本段评点

　　这个例子比第一个例子更合适一些，说明了人们主观的认识会影响对客观事实的看法，导致看到的事实都失去了其客观性。另外，本段对于故事的叙述比较清楚而且简要，抓住了找到斧子前和找到斧子后发生的变化这个重点。

　　学生习作(第四段)

　　The two examples led us to a conclusion that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual, and this is my position towards this issue.

　　语言修改

　　The two examples above demonstrate that truth is not objective but rather is determined by the individual.

　　本段评点

　　结尾段比较简洁，明确。没有单纯的重复开头段，而是把结论建立在两个例子上，使读者觉得论述有根有据。

　　习作总评

　　这篇文章比较成功的说明了每个人的眼光都带色，特别是开头和结尾两段没有犯SAT作者常犯的错误，中间的论证也比较有说服力。

　　本文没有太多的理论阐述，文章基本上以举例为主，通过举例得出自己的观点。本文讲了两个例子，一个是《呼啸山庄》中的 故事，另外一个例子是中国古代的例子。两个例子都支持了作者的观点，特别是第二个例子更贴切。而且两个例子相互对应，一个中国的，一个外国的;一个来自于 民间故事，一个是文学名著;这样两个例子比较全面，让人信服。

　　[1] 原文的说法太啰嗦，直接用what I see and hear既简练又清楚。

　　[2] 改后稿把原文的两句话通过用两个介词about和toward合并成了一句，使句子简洁。

　　[3] 原句和改后稿侧重的角度不同，原句侧重事情从不同角度看不一样，改后稿侧重人对于事物有不同认识，改后稿的意思更符合本文论证的观点。

　　[4]这里用meeting不太合适，因为meet“碰见，遇到”表示的是一个瞬间动作，一般不能用现在分词形式，因为现在分词形式通常表示正在进行或持续的动作，而瞬间动作一般是不能持续的。

　　[5] 这里的common没有表达任何意思，而且也没有common individual这样的说法。应用average persons, average 比 common 好，因为前者有阶级差别的含义，当今美国英语很少用这个词。

　　[6] 句中所用动词时态不一致，对过去事情的描写应都用过去时。

　　[7] 原习作的前半句用了两个分词结构，没有主要动词，是不完整的句子。

　　好的SAT作文除了语言外，关键还在于要以内容取胜，而内容关键在于举例、讲故事，从而自然而然地得出结论，阐明作者的观点。可见平时多阅读，不仅可以拓宽我们的知识面，提高文学素养，更可以在SAT作文中举例论述，取得理想的成绩。

　　SAT作文是SAT考试的一个重要组成部分，也是最为关键和最难的部分，它直接考查了学生对语言的运用能力。SAT作文的关键是运用大量的例证说明问题，而好的开头和结尾同样会为你挣得更高的分数。下面我们来看一篇学生的习作，老师对他的每一段多做了修改和点评，提出了很多宝贵的意见，大家可以参考一下。

　　Truth is not objective

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

　　Akira Kurosawa’s film masterpiece Rashomon portrays several people who have witnessed a death. As each observer recounts the event as he or she witnessed it, we come to realize that each person’s story varies greatly from every other account. Watching the movie, we rlect that the truth of an experience—and perhaps all truth—is different for each person.

　　Assignment: What is your opinion of the claim that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

　　习作修改

　　学生习作(第一段)

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. However, is it possible that what we take in by eyes or ears[1], in another word, what we regard as ‘truth’, are not objective?

　　语言修改

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. Is it possible that what we see and hear, or what we regard as the ‘truth’, is not objective?

　　本段评点

　　这个开头避免了许多习作简单重复题目的缺点。而且举出了法庭审讯这个场景，然后提出了一个问题，这两个手段都能激发读者阅读的兴趣，而且显得与众不同。

　　学生习作(第二段)

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff took his departure after his eavesdropping Cathy’s dialogue with another woman. He heard part of the dialogue, in which Cathy appeared to be so vain that she regarded marriage with Heathcliff as adjective. From Heathcliff’s angle, we truly recount the event as he did and feel sorry for him from bottom of our hearts. But look at the other side of the story: Cathy was expressing her love for him, despite their difference in social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we know that things differs from various vision angle.

　　语言修改

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff lt after he heard Cathy speaking with another woman about her disdain toward marrying him.[2] From Heathcliff’s point of view, we truly feel sorry for him.

　　But from the other side of the coin, Cathy was actually expressing her love for him despite their different social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we can see that not everyone views things the same.[3]

　　本段评点

　　这个例子与第一段要说明的问题稍稍有些偏差。作者要证明的论点是人们所见所闻的事实可能是客观的吗，而这个例子得出的结论是不同的角度看待问题得出的结果会是不一样的。改后稿把最后一句改成从这个例子可以看出每个人对以同样的眼光来看待事情，这样说和论点贴得更近一些。

上12下

共2页